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[Monday April 16th, 2007 9:47pm] its been a really long time since ive even began to look at this thing. i wanted to just write and write and write, and what better place to do it than here. i really cannot take school much longer. i hate it so much. some days i just feel like i want to dropout and never see the pit of hell that is lexington high school. other days i thank 'god' that i have such a good school compared to others, and i want to do good and go on to college and stuff like that. and other days i just want to get out of there and be a hippie loser forever living in a run down apartment with 4 cats. but i guess i only have a year left, one long, boring, horrible year. but ill get through it. then who knows. tech, usc, who knows. i could probably get into usc if i wanted, but im too scared of the challenge. im too lazy and not determined. at all. and i guess thats my problem. i start things and never finish them because i lose my motivation. but thats how ive been my entire life, and thats what my dad has always told me,  basically i will amount to nothing if i do the things i do. now that could be true, but it could also be very wrong. i hate being told what i should do, need to do, and have to do. i need independence and stride. and mostly motivation. damn....and no matter where i look to find these things it doesnt happen. on another note, there is no such thing as love. i have experienced things in the last few months that have made me realize that everyone has faults, so how are two people so wrong supposed to be together when everyone has temptations and just shit that come between that. i realized that maybe i do screw things up for myself, but im not the only one. he caused me to act the way i did towards him, and he knew that, but i was all my fault for some reason. yes i was a dumbass for turning down something that could have been the best thing to ever happen to me, but maybe if he didnt take things so fucking serious all the time and over react and not have the balls to say anything to my face, maybe then i wouldnt have fucking done those things. but who am i to be talking about this. love is fake, and if you do have real love, which is basically impossible, then try to keep it. i really dont think ill ever find anything to even comes close to love. and when i do ill probably fuck myself over. and i do think im crazy, and i do think i fuck up, but other people fuck up too, they do, and it kind of feeds off each incident. i dont understand people and how other people think. but its whatever. im getting through the next year and getting through life with whatever comes to me. im just ready for summer, im just ready for freedom, im just ready for fun...to fuck around, fuck it up, and burn it down. and thats it. READ (0) CMNT

what the fuck [Thursday March 22nd, 2007 7:01am] what the fuck what the fuck fuck fuck READ (0) CMNT

[Sunday January 7th, 2007 10:31pm] FUCK 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READ (1) CMNT

[Tuesday October 3rd, 2006 9:57pm] soo, lately its been the same routine. wake up... frantically do my homework when i get to school... work load gets increasingly harder... but my day goes pretty nice and im happy with it... then i get home... my parents bitch at me... my parents bug the shit out of me... my parents make me feel like shit... and i end the day in depression mode. BUT, the day usually goes better when i bum a ride to a friends house or to hangout with a friend because im a bum now and have no car or money. so much for happiness. READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday September 27th, 2006 10:57am] I guess it takes something as big as running off the road into a tree to make me realize that I need to fix and change a few things in my life. But I guess some things happen for a reason. I just wish it didnt have to happen like that. READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday August 23rd, 2006 12:45am] so you cant look for love, it has to find you. at least thats what happened before, and thats what i hope for. READ (0) CMNT

[Monday July 31st, 2006 11:28pm] everything they say is bullshit bullshit bullshit everything they say is lies lies lies READ (0) CMNT

[Thursday July 20th, 2006 11:12pm] i have so many questions that can't be answered. i wish there was some way of knowing what happens in the future, but i think if i did actually know, then it would be even worse. i hate when you get that feeling down in the pit of your stomach, when you know somethings over. when you know there is nothing you can do. when you know that you still can't move on. READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday July 5th, 2006 10:59pm] CONFUSIONNNNNNNNN none of my entries make sense to anyone but me lately. READ (0) CMNT

[Tuesday June 27th, 2006 2:02am] mmmm....i love summer and im happy. for the moment READ (0) CMNT

[Friday June 16th, 2006 12:31am] today was pretty hectic. tomorrow, i will chill. i just want to like stay home all day and....be alone actually. which is basically what im doing because my dad has to use my car tomorrow..ugh. but i think im going out to lunch with hollie, katie, and hollies sister tomorrow so that should be fun. i dont have to work tomorrow! i had to work 8 hours today. hollie and katie almost got arrested tonight! :) haha...jk...sorta thank god i wasnt there, or i really would have gotten arrested. i guess its a good thing i was at work then. ive been thinking a lot lately.. and...i hate how people tear you down just for the hell of it. and im weak when it comes to stuff like that, and i seriously cant take it. its not one of my strong points. i dont want to change who i am just because someone else doesnt like it, but sometimes it just really hurts. READ (0) CMNT

[Saturday June 10th, 2006 10:08pm] life is pretty good right now. i absolutely love summer. but i need some new friends. me and hollie are recruiting (sp?)...haha, just kidding no but really, we are. hah READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday May 10th, 2006 10:15pm] tonight was pretty interesting. haha...me and katie went to chuck e. cheese's. lol...katie invited me bc she had to go for some kid that was a family friend was having a birthday. we played games and ate pizza. it was sweet. it was actually a lot of fun. and like...katie was scared of the moving/singing characters. haha. and like...we were sitting in the corner by a door, and all of the sudden this lady comes out and then like all of the sudden the chuck e. cheese mascot pops out of nowhere, and it scared katie and she like screamed. it was the funniest thing ever. mannn... this weekend should be awesome. i have a feeling its gonna be a busy one tho bc i have a lot of stuff to do. people keep on asking me to do stuff too, and i feel bad bc i already have plans. and i have to work 4 hours on monday, so that = $ yess READ (0) CMNT

[Tuesday May 2nd, 2006 6:05pm] today was the longest/shortest day of my life. we gave out yearbooks today, and i thought it was gonna be all fun and games, but man was i wrong. we had to carry all the books everywhere and ahhh im so sore and so tired. its a combination of getting up at like 5:45 this morning, lifting books, boxes, etc all day, and dealing with dumb people. i never reaized how dumb some people really are until today. i mean, if theres a huge sign that says JUNIORS above a table, then why would sophomores come to that table and try to buy a book? what the hell...dumbass. but anyway, ahh im so tired.  anyway, i hate when people change, and i hate when people fight, and i hate people right now.  i know thats dumb, but i just wanna be quiet for a while.  i have to go to guitar right now but i really dont want to, so i guess ill just drive there and fall asleep on the way. kbye. READ (0) CMNT

[Saturday April 29th, 2006 3:04am] i got in a fucking wreck yesterday. it sucked. my whole front end is off, and the left front side of my car is smashed. and it was jacel that hit me, ahh! well anyway, that sucks...but itll be fixed in a few weeks, so as long as its ready by summer, im happy. i felt so bad tho bc i thought my parents were gonna be pissed, but they werent even mad. and im probably gonna get blamed for it, even though it definitely wasnt my fault. but my parents dont care, so i guess its all good. and my foot kinda hurts :( me and hollie are having a sleepover right now! lol...yeh pretty fun. READ (0) CMNT

[Sunday April 23rd, 2006 9:16pm] driving down country roads, at sunset, alone, listening to damien rice is the most peaceful thing that i have done in a very long time.  song: I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made And like a baby boy I never was a man Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!” Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?” Hate me today Hate me tomorrow Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you Hate me in ways Yeah ways hard to swallow Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you I've been in love with this song ever since i first heard it.  (sorry no cut, it wasnt working) READ (2) CMNT

hate me today...hate me tomorrow. [Sunday April 23rd, 2006 12:33am] [ music | hate me- blue october ] tonight was simple, and i like it like that. i got a lot of sleep today...i woke up around 8:30, ate breakfast and chilled until 9:30, then went back to sleep until 1:30..haha. then i went to hollies, chillaxed, visitted katie at work, went back to my house, then went back to hollies, then to hong kong palace, and a very "interesting" walk home to hollies. haha...we made a few "pit stops" lol...nevermind. so i was thinking today, and i thought itd be so cool if like, one day out of every year you could go back to when you were little, like 7 years old or something like that. like january 1st every year you could go back to that innocence. itd kind of put things in perspective, and stuff. it might sound really weird, but i was just thinking about how cool and good that would be for me. i think right now, im just letting go of things. and letting go of trying to be something im not. im going to do what i want to do, and i guess thats just the end of that. i cannot wait until summer, and i want it to come so bad. i just want to like drop out right now, i dont even know why. i have no motivation, and i never listen to anything that anyone has to say. in class i draw pictures, and talk, and write. and depending on what class it is, i listen to music. i know that it would be the stupidest thing that i could ever do (drop out). then id really be a failure, even though im already called one . im sorry that i cant be as "perfect" as you. which brings me to a new point. i hate hypocrites. and people that act different when theyre around other people. and people who cant date people their own age....haha. i definitely was targetting a few people when i said that. from first to last in like 6 days...hell yes. thats gonna be some fun stuff. well im gonna go watch rosanne and probably end of falling asleep. READ (0) CMNT

[Thursday April 20th, 2006 9:12pm] today was a good day. it was just like, one of those days. as rodman said...it was one of those "were almost there, so close to the end, days." im excited about my job, i finally get paid, i need some cash. this weekend will hopefully be amazing. hopefully my parents lemme sleepover somewhere, bc thats the only thing i cant do now, but people can sleep over here so i guess ill do that if i cant sleepover anywhere else. im watching cops right now, its funny READ (0) CMNT

[Wednesday April 19th, 2006 9:04pm] ahh im in such a good mood. tomorrows gonna be fun :D i drove all the way to irmo for nothing today, which sucked, but everythings straight now. ooooo and abels a dumbass, and something totally just like reproved that theory today. haha i almost feel bad for him because hes so dumb. hehe...anyway, i got the job at the pool i interviewed for! so thats $6 an hour, which will be awesome. theres a meeting on sunday and we gotta clean the pool, and the meeting lasts 2 hours, and they said we already get paid for those two hours, so its gonna be sweet. READ (2) CMNT

[Monday April 17th, 2006 7:29pm] im not happy, and people make me sad. the end. READ (0) CMNT

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