as i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep

latenightride @ 2007-04-16T21:47:00

2007-04-17T01:57:49Z

its been a really long time since ive even began to look at this thing. i wanted to just write and write and write, and what better place to do it than here. i really cannot take school much longer. i hate it so much. some days i just feel like i want to dropout and never see the pit of hell that is lexington high school. other days i thank 'god' that i have such a good school compared to others, and i want to do good and go on to college and stuff like that. and other days i just want to get out of there and be a hippie loser forever living in a run down apartment with 4 cats. but i guess i only have a year left, one long, boring, horrible year. but ill get through it. then who knows. tech, usc, who knows. i could probably get into usc if i wanted, but im too scared of the challenge. im too lazy and not determined. at all. and i guess thats my problem. i start things and never finish them because i lose my motivation. but thats how ive been my entire life, and thats what my dad has always told me, basically i will amount to nothing if i do the things i do. now that could be true, but it could also be very wrong. i hate being told what i should do, need to do, and have to do. i need independence and stride. and mostly motivation. damn....and no matter where i look to find these things it doesnt happen. on another note, there is no such thing as love. i have experienced things in the last few months that have made me realize that everyone has faults, so how are two people so wrong supposed to be together when everyone has temptations and just shit that come between that. i realized that maybe i do screw things up for myself, but im not the only one. he caused me to act the way i did towards him, and he knew that, but i was all my fault for some reason. yes i was a dumbass for turning down something that could have been the best thing to ever happen to me, but maybe if he didnt take things so fucking serious all the time and over react and not have the balls to say anything to my face, maybe then i wouldnt have fucking done those things. but who am i to be talking about this. love is fake, and if you do have real love, which is basically impossible, then try to keep it. i really dont think ill ever find anything to even comes close to love. and when i do ill probably fuck myself over. and i do think im crazy, and i do think i fuck up, but other people fuck up too, they do, and it kind of feeds off each incident. i dont understand people and how other people think. but its whatever. im getting through the next year and getting through life with whatever comes to me. im just ready for summer, im just ready for freedom, im just ready for fun...to fuck around, fuck it up, and burn it down. and thats it.

what the fuck

2007-03-22T11:01:38Z

what the fuck
what the fuck
fuck fuck

latenightride @ 2007-01-07T22:31:00

2007-01-08T03:33:16Z

FUCK
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

latenightride @ 2006-10-03T21:57:00

2006-10-04T02:00:05Z

soo, lately its been the same routine.
wake up...
frantically do my homework when i get to school...
work load gets increasingly harder...
but my day goes pretty nice and im happy with it...
then i get home...
my parents bitch at me...
my parents bug the shit out of me...
my parents make me feel like shit...
and i end the day in depression mode.

BUT, the day usually goes better when i bum a ride to a friends house or to hangout with a friend because im a bum now and have no car or money.
so much for happiness.

latenightride @ 2006-09-27T10:57:00

2006-09-27T14:58:44Z

I guess it takes something as big as running off the road into a tree to make me realize that I need to fix and change a few things in my life.

But I guess some things happen for a reason.
I just wish it didnt have to happen like that.

latenightride @ 2006-08-23T00:45:00

2006-08-23T04:45:51Z

so you cant look for love,
it has to find you.
at least thats what happened before,
and thats what i hope for.

latenightride @ 2006-07-31T23:28:00

2006-08-01T03:28:45Z

everything they say is bullshit bullshit bullshit
everything they say is lies lies lies

latenightride @ 2006-07-20T23:12:00

2006-07-21T03:15:03Z

i have so many questions that can't be answered.
i wish there was some way of knowing what happens in the future,
but i think if i did actually know, then it would be even worse.

i hate when you get that feeling down in the pit of your stomach,
when you know somethings over.
when you know there is nothing you can do.
when you know that you still can't move on.

latenightride @ 2006-07-05T22:59:00

2006-07-06T02:59:33Z

CONFUSIONNNNNNNNN

none of my entries make sense to anyone but me lately.

latenightride @ 2006-06-27T02:02:00

2006-06-27T06:03:57Z

mmmm....i love summer
and im happy. for the moment

latenightride @ 2006-06-16T00:31:00

2006-06-16T04:35:36Z

today was pretty hectic.
tomorrow, i will chill.
i just want to like stay home all day and....be alone actually.
which is basically what im doing because my dad has to use my car tomorrow..ugh.
but i think im going out to lunch with hollie, katie, and hollies sister tomorrow so that should be fun.
i dont have to work tomorrow! i had to work 8 hours today.
hollie and katie almost got arrested tonight! :) haha...jk...sorta
thank god i wasnt there, or i really would have gotten arrested.
i guess its a good thing i was at work then.

ive been thinking a lot lately..
and...i hate how people tear you down just for the hell of it.
and im weak when it comes to stuff like that, and i seriously cant take it.
its not one of my strong points.
i dont want to change who i am just because someone else doesnt like it,
but sometimes it just really hurts.

latenightride @ 2006-06-10T22:08:00

2006-06-11T02:43:49Z

life is pretty good right now.
i absolutely love summer.
but i need some new friends.
me and hollie are recruiting (sp?)...haha, just kidding
no but really, we are. hah

latenightride @ 2006-05-10T22:15:00

2006-05-11T02:18:25Z

tonight was pretty interesting.
haha...me and katie went to chuck e. cheese's.
lol...katie invited me bc she had to go for some kid that was a family friend was having a birthday.
we played games and ate pizza. it was sweet. it was actually a lot of fun.
and like...katie was scared of the moving/singing characters. haha.
and like...we were sitting in the corner by a door, and all of the sudden this lady comes out and
then like all of the sudden the chuck e. cheese mascot pops out of nowhere, and it scared katie and she like screamed. it was the funniest thing ever. mannn...

this weekend should be awesome.
i have a feeling its gonna be a busy one tho bc i have a lot of stuff to do.
people keep on asking me to do stuff too, and i feel bad bc i already have plans.
and i have to work 4 hours on monday, so that = $
yess

latenightride @ 2006-05-02T18:05:00

2006-05-02T22:11:36Z

today was the longest/shortest day of my life.
we gave out yearbooks today, and i thought it was gonna be all fun and games, but man was i wrong. we had to carry all the books everywhere and ahhh im so sore and so tired. its a combination of getting up at like 5:45 this morning, lifting books, boxes, etc all day, and dealing with dumb people. i never reaized how dumb some people really are until today. i mean, if theres a huge sign that says JUNIORS above a table, then why would sophomores come to that table and try to buy a book? what the hell...dumbass. but anyway, ahh im so tired.

anyway, i hate when people change, and i hate when people fight, and i hate people right now.
i know thats dumb, but i just wanna be quiet for a while.

i have to go to guitar right now but i really dont want to, so i guess ill just drive there and fall asleep on the way.
kbye.

latenightride @ 2006-04-29T03:04:00

2006-04-29T07:06:40Z

i got in a fucking wreck yesterday. it sucked. my whole front end is off, and the left front side of my car is smashed.
and it was jacel that hit me, ahh!

well anyway, that sucks...but itll be fixed in a few weeks, so as long as its ready by summer, im happy. i felt so bad tho bc i thought my parents were gonna be pissed, but they werent even mad.
and im probably gonna get blamed for it, even though it definitely wasnt my fault. but my parents dont care, so i guess its all good.

and my foot kinda hurts :(

me and hollie are having a sleepover right now!
lol...yeh pretty fun.

latenightride @ 2006-04-23T21:16:00

2006-04-24T01:20:22Z

driving down country roads, at sunset, alone, listening to damien rice is the most peaceful thing that i have done in a very long time.

song:

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

I've been in love with this song ever since i first heard it.
(sorry no cut, it wasnt working)

hate me today...hate me tomorrow.

2006-04-23T04:45:08Z

tonight was simple, and i like it like that. i got a lot of sleep today...i woke up around 8:30, ate breakfast and chilled until 9:30, then went back to sleep until 1:30..haha. then i went to hollies, chillaxed, visitted katie at work, went back to my house, then went back to hollies, then to hong kong palace, and a very "interesting" walk home to hollies. haha...we made a few "pit stops" lol...nevermind.

so i was thinking today, and i thought itd be so cool if like, one day out of every year you could go back to when you were little, like 7 years old or something like that. like january 1st every year you could go back to that innocence. itd kind of put things in perspective, and stuff. it might sound really weird, but i was just thinking about how cool and good that would be for me.
i think right now, im just letting go of things. and letting go of trying to be something im not. im going to do what i want to do, and i guess thats just the end of that. i cannot wait until summer, and i want it to come so bad. i just want to like drop out right now, i dont even know why. i have no motivation, and i never listen to anything that anyone has to say. in class i draw pictures, and talk, and write. and depending on what class it is, i listen to music. i know that it would be the stupidest thing that i could ever do (drop out). then id really be a failure, even though im already called one . im sorry that i cant be as "perfect" as you. which brings me to a new point. i hate hypocrites. and people that act different when theyre around other people. and people who cant date people their own age....haha. i definitely was targetting a few people when i said that.

from first to last in like 6 days...hell yes. thats gonna be some fun stuff.
well im gonna go watch rosanne and probably end of falling asleep.

latenightride @ 2006-04-20T21:12:00

2006-04-21T01:14:55Z

today was a good day.
it was just like, one of those days.
as rodman said...it was one of those "were almost there, so close to the end, days."

im excited about my job, i finally get paid, i need some cash.
this weekend will hopefully be amazing. hopefully my parents lemme sleepover somewhere, bc thats the only thing i cant do now, but people can sleep over here so i guess ill do that if i cant sleepover anywhere else.

im watching cops right now, its funny

latenightride @ 2006-04-19T21:04:00

2006-04-20T01:07:35Z

ahh im in such a good mood.
tomorrows gonna be fun :D
i drove all the way to irmo for nothing today, which sucked, but everythings straight now.
ooooo and abels a dumbass, and something totally just like reproved that theory today.
haha i almost feel bad for him because hes so dumb.
hehe...anyway, i got the job at the pool i interviewed for! so thats $6 an hour, which will be awesome. theres a meeting on sunday and we gotta clean the pool, and the meeting lasts 2 hours, and they said we already get paid for those two hours, so its gonna be sweet.

latenightride @ 2006-04-17T19:29:00

2006-04-17T23:29:35Z

im not happy,
and people make me sad.
the end.

this sickness takes its toll

2006-04-09T13:41:44Z

i am really sick. i feel almost worse than i did yesterday, and i dont understand why my parents wont take me to the doctor. its hard to eat, its hard to sleep, and its just hard to function all together.

when i woke up this morning my mom told me that my dad had kidney stones or something, and that they were going to the hospital. they left like over and hour ago and i still havent heard anything. i dont even know what kidney stones are. im so confused. spring break needs to get better, and soon.

and just to clear things up, abel is an asswipe. i never really liked him most of the time we were dating, and i felt bad for him so i didnt want to break up with him. and when i finally did last week, i find out he cheated on me with his best friend's love interest.
he never deserved me anyway. i truely mean that, not to sound stuck up or anything, but he was just a 20 year old bum. end of story.

i miss everything so much. i miss hanging out with my friends most of all. i miss driving. i miss shows. i miss laughing. i miss social interaction. on tuesday, i will have been grounded for one month. my parents are crazy. ive done much worse stuff than what i did, and didnt even get grounded. i guess since this is like the 4th or 5th time, theyve kind of gotten sick of things. i made some gay thing about why i should be able to drive again, so maybe after i show them that, theyll let me. i really hope so, gosh.
i feel like a monk.

latenightride @ 2006-04-02T10:20:00

2006-04-02T14:22:35Z

i love how guys have the hugest egos ever. wow, like seriously. it disgusts me.
maybe if their heart was as big as their head we wouldnt have any problem.

latenightride @ 2006-03-30T17:34:00

2006-03-30T22:35:33Z

sorry about the gay entry. i was stressed.
im about to break up with abel, and somehow i just feel really free, and happy about it all. hes gonna be sooo pissed. oh well hell get over it. i cant wait to be single again.

latenightride @ 2006-03-29T16:03:00

2006-03-29T21:10:59Z

today sucked. i didnt sleep AT ALL last night, and im not even exaggerating (sp?), but i wasnt tired. its just that i took a shower around 5 AM, and then started feeling really queezy, and threw up twice. all of the sudden i started like freaking out, and hyperventilating (sp? again). i couldnt breathe, i kept shaking, and i couldnt stop crying. i dont know why it happened, but i dont know. it was weird. it went on for about an hour. my mom probably thinks im crazy now. and i guess shes not totally wrong. i was in a really bad mood this morning, but as the day went on i guess it got a little better. i just felt like balling all day today, and i dont even know why. my eyes keep on watering and i keep getting constant headaches. ugh, i cant stand myself, im disgusted. i just seriously want to go to sleep, but for some lame ass reason I CANT. ive laid down and tried last night and when i got home, but im not tired at all. theres something wrong with me, maybe my parents were right. maybe i am a fuck up, and maybe i am "ruining what little bit of family we have left." if im fucking things up so much, why not just tell me to leave? seriously, id be more than happy to walk right out the door and not come back. my dad said it would happen if i mess up again, since i got in trouble again last weekend, while i was grounded already. one more mistake and my "ass is off to boarding school." to be totally honest, i dont give a shit. a change of scenery would be quite nice. i need something different, i need someone different. i hate myself, and i hate the situations i put my dumbass self in. i hate hurting people, and i hate how i always do it anyway. i hate how i doubt myself, and i hate how im going on and on about how much i hate everything. im not being some dumbass emo bitch, im being me. and if someone doesnt like it, fuck me, you dont have to read this shit. im sick of fake smiles, fake laughs, fake jokes, and a fake life. i have a feeling if i showed people the real me, i would have no friends. so tomorrow, ill be the same me, the same smile, and the same fuck up that ive always been.

EDIT:: OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. i swear to god if i think whats happening is actually happening i will fucking die. fuck.

latenightride @ 2006-03-22T07:08:00

2006-03-22T12:15:12Z

ahh...so my dad gave me my laptop back.
no phone and no car yet tho. and no hanging out with people. sucks.

so this weekend was the worst ever because i was grounded. so it was basically a mix of a lot of sleeping, watching tv, eating, and drinking by myself (which is no fun). abel came over and met my parents and we had lunch and everything, and then me and him got to hangout for a couple hours, it was nice. they like him, and everything seems cool. ive been really tired and just like down lately. probably because im grounded, who knows. im going to the nickelback concert with my dad tonight, lol. i dont even wanna go, but since im grounded i dont have anything better to do. he loves nickelback. my brother is going too. hopefully it wont be too boring. i finally wrote music to one of my songs and cleaned my bass and guitar. its amazing how much stuff you think of to do when youre grounded. i actually drew on eggs and then smashed them this weekend. so random, but i was bored. i drew pictures too. i think im going to buy an acoustic ibanez i saw at musicians supply yesterday. its hot. and im grounded so i dont have anything else to spend my money on. im going to turn in my application at piggly wiggly, so hopefully all the money will just gain itself back. and i want a new amp, and crap. and a new phone. wow i want a lot of things. not really any cds tho...i havent bought cds in forever. for some reason i keep on listening to all my old ones. like mxpx and the ataris. haha lame, but i like them for some reason. well i gotta go get ready for school.